normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
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I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
Wordle 241 1/6
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Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm