*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
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[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
They do NOT make the iPhone keypad for large hands … I go to type “hey” and it comes out “vvshddhhehe”
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
Pleasantly surprised to discover the treadmill I bought came with a remote control so I can run it from my recliner.
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
Shit dude that SUCKS
-me as a 911 operator
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
* gets mugged *
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