I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
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My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
Listen son, you know how you find an awesome song & you listen to it over and over again until you hate it? Well, I’m leaving your mother.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day