As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
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My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”