ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
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King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
Accidently used the word “henceforth” in my third grader’s book report and the teacher is suspicious.
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.