still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
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I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.