wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
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I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
Smile Twitter, Smile.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
Banking tips
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does