I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
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Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
This is why I hate group projects
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
scenes of unspeakable carnage
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.