You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
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ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.