a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
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If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]