Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
You Might Also Like
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
I ate everything, including the H.
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”