[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
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A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
But I really needed water water water
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?