Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
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[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.