OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
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They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮