You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
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Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’