once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
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*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
i did the math
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack