When can I start eating bats again.
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My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.