don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
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3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.