Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
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me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
Ummm
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
I caught myself in the mirror eating a peach and instantly realized why so many people have boundaries with me.
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
knights of the ikea table
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.