Netflix and awkward silence?
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Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
mom: I’m not your friend I’m your mother!
[20 years later]
mom: why won’t you accept my friend request on FB? I’m your mother
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
Sorry not sorry.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.