Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
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I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
My cat drank water out off my glass, so I poured it in her bowl instead of dumping it out, then she decided it was no longer good enough for her, so I dumped it out and gave her fresh water instead and OH MY GOD WHO OWNS WHO IN THIS HOUSE
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.