Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
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Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.