Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
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Hamburger Hinderer.
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah