Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
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“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
let’s discuss
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”