So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
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just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?