My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
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Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
peep davidson
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
Punctuation Matters. Period.
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.