This rocks
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Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇