Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
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A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?