Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
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Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
cats when you pet them too long:
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
kitchen magnet
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
inventing words: clothing
If you breakdance you buy dance.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
Y’all ready for this
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.