Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
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I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
You only hear about go-go boots. I’d buy the shit out of some stay-stay boots. I stay more than I go. Finally some boots that fit my lifestyle and whatnot.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
*praying for world peace*
God:
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.