Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
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check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
When you let grandma cat sit
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets