Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
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Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
They grow up so quick
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
Terribly Tuesday.
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.