my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
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detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again