Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
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You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
For those that worship cheese..
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
Hello Twits.
not for long