I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
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Oh the world we live in…
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
Botany good plants lately?
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course