hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
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(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
Friends that check up on you >
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there