Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
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Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
cop: is this your chocolate factory?
wonka: why do you ask
cop: we have reports of maimed children and slave labor
wonka: that 8 year old owns it now
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall