My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
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Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts