I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
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Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car