Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
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Well, this is awkward
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
My whole life was a lie.
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.