If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
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i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
March 16
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.