Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
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Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
Happy thanksgiving!
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk