I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
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me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do
Does beer think about me too?
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.