[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
You Might Also Like
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
He’s cranky this morning
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.