Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
You Might Also Like
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!