Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
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Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter
This fish is cracking me up
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.