Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
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Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
Alexa, make me look good naked.
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
Kid at the park just told me it’s her birthday today. I asked her how old she is and she said five and a half. Story absolutely crumbling
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.