Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
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I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.