Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
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I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
what’s really going on
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first