**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
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11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
describing stardew valley
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”